


I always wonder

by RuthAlyssa



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, IdinaMenzel, More angst, Songfic, ops - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 03:00:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10350888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuthAlyssa/pseuds/RuthAlyssa
Summary: I never told youThat you've been the one thing I have wanted all this time





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I don't quite know where this came from, once I started typing it just happened.  
> The song this fanfic is based off of is Extraordinary by Idina Menzel. I suggest either listening to it before you read this, or while you read this fic. It is quite a gorgeous song.  
> I also took artistic liberty and changed two words in the lyrics to better fic the timing of my fanfic. 
> 
> I sadly do not own Once Upon A Time or Idina, or this song.  
> Please let me know what you thing of this fanfiction!!  
> OX
> 
> (The lyrics to the song are in italics in the fic.)

I sit at my desk wondering if I should send this to her. Ever since that night I question everything now when it comes to interacting with her. I never thought she would go through with marrying him. There was so much left that I had to say, that I had to tell her. That night on the wedding when the vows were traded and then later at the reception, my heart broke because I know that my Emma is no more. She is just Emma.

I look down on the messy page that held the lyrics to the song I wrote Emma. There are words marked out, ink stains from where tears fell on the paper. I tell myself I’ll listen to the recording of the song one more time and then decide if I shall send it to her. I take a deep breath and push play.

 

_I probably had a bit too much to drink_

_It's a little after midnight you are probably asleep_

_I bet that you're surprised to hear from me_

 

Ever since Emma got married I have pulled away from her a bit. I’ll still talk to her, but only if it’s because of Henry or work matters. Emma rarely ever messages me outside of those instances anymore because at first when she would try I wouldn’t respond. I tried, gods did I try. I was just so heartbroken and she was married and seemed so happy. I couldn’t, no I wouldn’t, take it out on Emma.

 

_I still have your number memorized_

_I know it's been two years_

_But I still got these butterflies_

_I know I might sound crazy_

 

Two years. Two long, long years since she got married and wasn’t ‘my Emma’ anymore. Could I even call her mine though? I never told her how I felt. I’d like to think I could still call her mine. With the way I feel from her arms touches and even glances from across the room. Like the world has stopped and right a feel like it's starting again, a swarm of butterflies is let loose. Only someone who is mine could make me feel like that.

 

_And you might be married_

_And you might have moved on_

_But I have to ask before my nerve is gone_

 

You are married. You have moved on. I missed my chance forever. I’ll never know what it would have been like to be yours. I do have to ask, why him? Why did you let yourself change, just to make him happy? That is probably the hardest part of this for me. I have slowly watched you change who you are, and what you believe in, just to be with him. I wouldn’t make you do that. I want you as the strong Emma. The one with a voice that refuses to back down.

 

_Cause I always wonder_

_If we could've have been something_

_Or is it all in my mind and_

 

Remember when we moved the moon? In Neverland when your magic was just barely there. You didn’t know much about it or about how to wield it properly. When you were questioning who exactly you were and just about everything else. You didn’t question me though. You believed me when I told you about how to move the moon, you trusted me enough to use your chaotic acting magic. I think it was in that moment I thought we could be something more. Did you feel it then? Did you feel anything like that as well in relation to me?

 

_I always wonder_

_Here I might have missed something_

_That we left behind and_

_Do you ever think of me_

_And have you wondered could we be_

_Something extraordinary_

 

That moment at the town line, when the monster flew from on top of your car and over the town line. The way you looked at me when you got out of your car. God Emma. I knew then and there, that I loved you. That look that was somehow filled with fear and relief directed at me? To me? It both stopped my world and started it all over again. It was then, that I knew that I would never be over you again.

 

_I still remember how you looked at me_

_You took me in like there was no where else you'd rather be_

_And you made me feel beautiful_

 

Kale salad and root beer. You knew I was working myself far too much and far too hard. You just knew. The way you smiled when talking to me, the way you walked through my office like you were at complete ease. That one little act of bringing me kale salad and root beer, made me feel treasured. The smile smirk combo you gave me that day, Emma, it made feel beautiful by just being in the presence of it. I know that I would give off the impression that I didn’t like that you would just show up places, but I love that you are comfortable enough with me to just show up.

 

_I made a lot of mistakes_

_I'm not a kid anymore_

_But I'll never forget that I couldn't be yours_

 

I’m sorry. Emma I’m so sorry for how I treated you those first couple years you were in Storybrooke. I should have never let Sydney put your personal information in the paper, and I surely shouldn’t have tried to give you a sleeping curse. I know I have done many horrible things, but there is no use in bringing back the past. I felt threatened by you, and not just because you are Henry’s birth mother. I’m not even sure I can fully describe all the negativity I felt then. I suppose it doesn’t matter know. We’ve overcame all that, right?

 

_Cause I always wonder_

_If we could've have been something_

_Or is it all in my mind and_

 

Back at the apprentice’s house when we were looking for the author, there was something that happened that I have so many questions about. When I was looking through the blank books and getting upset Robin came over to try and comfort me. You looked up when he touched me but automatically looked away. Why was that? What were you thinking? What were you feeling Emma? Were you upset or jealous? God Emma I just wish I could know. But it doesn’t matter now, and I’ll /never know because you aren’t mine and you’ll never know I am yours.

 

_I always wonder_

_Here I might have missed something_

_That we left behind and_

_Do you ever think of me_

_And have you wondered could we be_

_Something extraordinary_

 

There was one time early on that I knew we would be connected forever. When I was trying to get Jefferson’s hat to work so we could send the wraith away. Do I even need to finish this one? You must remember it. When your hand touched my arm, we became connected. Granted in the beginning I didn’t know what it meant and I didn’t really give it much thought either. Even then Emma we were connected in a way that if far stronger than either of us know.

 

_I never forgot the way you saw me_

_I never forgot the way you touched me_

_And once I thought I heard you say_

_You love me_

 

Emma my gods what were you thinking? I still to this day do not fully understand why you took the darkness for me. I know the reasons you gave me, and I believe them, I do. But it just seems like there was something more. The way you looked at me while you were holding the dagger and letting the darkness consume you. You saw me Emma. In that moment, I felt you really saw me. You saw all the struggles I had, how much I had to fight every day, how much I just wanted someone to truly love me. You looked at me and you were that someone for me. You are the one I want to be that for me.

 

_I always wonder_

_If we could've have been something_

_Or is it all in my mind and_

 

When you and I were at the town line, right before I sent you over the line with new memories of a good life with Henry. Your eyes were so expressive in that moment. They were saying, not screaming so many things. What would you have said to me? If it was only you and I. Would you have said anything different? Would you have seen how absolutely heart breaking it was for me to lose you, right when I felt I had found you? Gods Emma, I wish you could answer all these confusing thoughts for me. But you can’t. Because you aren’t mine.

 

_I always wonder_

_Here I might have missed something_

_That we left behind and I never told you_

_That you've been the one thing I have wanted all this time_

_And do you ever think of me_

_And have you wondered could we be_

_Something extraordinary_

_Extraordinary_

 

I fold the paper as the song finally comes to a stop. I take a deep breath and automatically take another, and then one more. I can’t hold back the gut wrenching sobs that have overcome me. All of these feelings, all of these questions, just there. At the front of my mind screaming at me, begging to be asked and answered. Forever there, forever stuck there.

After I have composed myself I look at the email that has the video attachment of the song. I take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds before releasing it. No. I won’t. You are happy, you don’t need me. I can’t send it to you and disrupt that happy. I slam my laptop shut and head up the stairs to get ready for another sleepless night dreaming of things I will never have.


End file.
